Beer Acronyms: What PBR REALLY Stands for: "Pretty bad refreshment"

What kind of beer do you like to drink, neighbor?
Heineken.
Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!

Blue Velvet (1989)

Tastes and preferences are often established early in life, and an aversion to say, the music of Celine Dion or Jimmy Buffet likely forms somewhere during the third trimester.

There are those whose first exposure to beer, sadly, occurs around this period as well (and who are then predisposed to voting Republican) but for most of us, the first time a cold one hits the taste-buds, is by surreptitious sip of the old man's
Amstel Light during a half-time bathroom break to walk the dog.

For others, it's shaking down the basement sofa for enough loose change to procure a bottle of the cheapest and most easily accessible hooch. The first beer beverage purchased, usually by an older brother, or the guy who sported a 5 O'Clock shadow at age of 14 and whose fettuccine arms could be hidden with several sweaters and an overcoat, is some mass-market swill with an advertising budget that exceeds the GDP of the entire Caribbean.

In Canada, it's the ubiquitous Molson Canadian, synonymous with hockey (or 'ice hockey' as it's referred to in the States to differentiate it from, I don't know, tonsil hockey), the music of Bachman Turner Overdrive and that uncle who spends the better part of the afternoon in a hammock, awaking periodically to get you to fetch him one.

The equivalent state-side is Coors, and it's no coincidence that these are brewed by the same manufacturer, and that they likely come from the same giant kettle as well and just have a Molson label slapped on for export north of the border.

Mediocre brews such as Budweiser, Miller or Molson are usually abandoned once a level of disposable income is reached to be able to absorb the extra $3 forked over for something premium, or during those college years, in exchange for skipping a few meals.

Interestingly, defenders of the swill are trying to block the takeover of The King of Beers by Belgian monolith Inbev. According to reports, last night more than 27,000 had heeded the call, signing an online petition to stop the takeover of the brewer of Budweiser.

Pabst Blue Ribbon is inexplicably popular too, perhaps solely for the ease with which a can of it is stuffed into a freezer so it can be chilled within minutes on a hot day, or perhaps because of its 'slumming it' hipster cache.

Anyway, here are three beers from our youth, Miller Genuine Draft (MGD), Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR) and Bud, and what these really stand for. Thanks to our good buddies over at College Drinker for the idea...

MGD
Mediocre, god-awful drink
Maligned ginger-beer doppelganger
Mostly generic disappointment
Must be gluttonous dipsomaniac
Mild, gaseous, dismal

BUD
Beastly Undrinkable Drek
Basically Unfortunate Drink
Beer Under-agers Drink
Brew Unquestionably Dreadful
Base Ubiquitous Disgrace
Bubbly Urine-like Draft

PBR
Pretty bad refreshment
Possibly beer refuse
Potential brew rejected
Promoted by rabble
Prohibited by rarefied
Positively below rank
Patently banal rubbish

"I just joined AA. I still drink -- I just use a different name."

Controlled drinking may seem like an oxymoron not to mention a highly theoretical construct to us Shark Guys, however it’s beginning to hold more sway with folks who didn't use Psych 101 as a place to sleep off that Sunday hangover. The concept of controlled drinking, or what we sometimes engage in at lunch, has apparently emerged as a welcome and acceptable treatment alternative to the buzz kill offered by the folks at Alcoholics Anonymous—total abstinence.

Not abstaining at all, a concept we’ve kept an adamantine grasp on like that frayed rope your sadistic gym teacher had you climb in elementary school, might just be the best method of success. And this isn't us flapping our parched lips, but that's according to Dr. Michael Levy, author of "Take Control of Your Drinking...And You May Not Need to Quit", a tome that will be a welcome gift to sling under the tree of a loved one, while chapters are read aloud with a belt of eggnog.

While the more attainable objective of being able to continue to drink once you've been dubbed a "problem drinker" may seem well within a pint’s reach of the average tippler (and just the occasion to uncork that bubbly you’ve been saving for that time you tell your boss into which orifice you'll be sticking your penny loafer), don’t march gallantly into that nearest liquor store just yet. While you might be confident they won’t break your fall from that flying leap off the wagon, drinking in moderation goes against AA's core belief that alcoholics are in denial about being in control of their drinking.

Lest your instinct is to believe this is pure preachy hogwash (which is exactly how we reacted to it), there is some evidence to suggest heavy imbibers have actually damaged the part of the brain that can help control a drinking habit, which puts the pursuit of moderation beyond the realm of mere will. Unrelated research that we've conducted on our own also suggests that heavy and continued drinking can also result in inappropriate uses of the French language in parentheses (pourquoi?).

Now, Alcoholics Anonymous is often cited as having terrific success rates, far superior to say, a nicotine patch for smoking (a method of quitting that is hampered by having to try to find a piece of surface area to slap one on yourself as if you were the side of a FedEx package). However, with various sources pegging AA’s success rate at only between 20 and 40% depending on who you ask, and whether they themselves have been drinking, it’s no wonder a large portion of the population are willing to dance with the devil and steer clear of the God two-step cited in six of the twelve famous steps and toast this wonderful Dr Levy instead. Indeed, with a success rate like AA's -- which is similar to that of the worst performing team in any given sport in any given year, only worse -- it's no wonder that the organization has come under fire and demands have been made for its federal funding to be pulled out from under it quicker than a closing-time bartender can put up the closed sign and pour out the remainder of your drink.

Those responding to advocates of abstinence claim that abstinence and moderation are equally effective, citing a 2001-2002 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions. What remains controversial are the definitions of alcohol dependency (alcoholism) and abuse. AA covers their arses by stating that anyone who can recover by drinking moderately was never an alcoholic in the first place. Well if that isn't an invitation to bring a case of PBR to the next meeting we hear about and test the mettle of the participants, we just don't know what is.