The Top 10 Best NFL Names: Dick Butkus Would Approve

Being the kind of guys who would ask the bartender in a sports bar if he wouldn't mind changing the channel because "I think 'Wheel of Fortune' might be on, and tonight's Caribbean-themed," we are likely not the ones most NFL fans would turn to for commentary or analysis as the preseason gets underway this weekend. And that's for the best, because we aren't about to offer anything of the sort.

We can appreciate football's importance to gamblers; after all, without this sport to bet on, there might be a major-sports-less gap in the year that could see attendance at dog tracks overwhelm capacity. But for us, the NFL is just the XFL stripped of all its glorious theatrics slick production values, and unorthodox rules that breathed new life into the sport (Reference the decision to let players put whatever they wanted to on their jerseys, [see left. That is unfortunately not his given name, though we're not sure if "he" still hate him or whether he has had a change of heart, and now he "likey" him]).

So rather than combing through football rosters for information relevant to a player's on-field performance, or using said info for any useful purpose whatsoever, we've instead gone through the ranks to highlight something over which players had absolutely no control: their names. The NFL has given us people with nicknames like William "The Refrigerator" Perry, so called because of his frequent visits to one and also because he looked as close as a human could to one without being robbed of the ability of forward movement and others with names like Man Mountain, which also wasn't in any way ironic.

Here, however, is a list of gridiron athletes whose given names are so stellar that they do not need nicknames. Compiled from current NFL rolls and barring any exploding kneecaps or other assorted football injuries over the weekend, here, in no particular order, are the best damn legal names currently on a National Football League roster. That's currently, people, so no waxing poetic about Blood Mcnally tearing up City Stadium in the days before helmets.


10) Ritchie Incognito, St Louis Rams: With a name that makes him sound like the guy who runs the panini shop in a Danny Aiello movie, Ritchie Incognito of the St. Louis Rams gets the first slot here. After being suspended indefinitely from two colleges (one wonders if anything short of tearing off another human's head could warrant the indefinite suspension of a star athlete from one American college let alone too), Incognito has since gone on to become a well paid NFL star, driving around in a BMW 750 with "23 television screens... including one in his gas cap door." Alright, it's only a surname, but come on.

9) Guy Whimper, New York Giants: This one works even better if you choose to pronounce his first name the French way. "Monsieur Guy Whimper", table for deux!" While this guy tips the scales at over 300 pounds, and we can imagine few things more frightening than a guy half the size of a pickup truck looking to knock us down, one wonders of the psychological effects on an offensive tackle of having a surname that calls to mind the sound a cockerspaniel makes when it's been left out in the rain and wants to come back inside.


8) Coy Wire, Buffalo Bills: Nothing screams tenacious, frothing at the mouth, NFL linebacker like "Coy", defined as "coquettish, or artful playfulness and showing reluctance to make a definite commitment." This also describes the way the Buffalo Bills consistently like to play in the post-season. Well, he has it better than the "Demure" Dan Jenkinses of the world whose football careers never left the playground. He's pictured here, and if your name is 'wire' you better damn-well hit the weights.



7) D'Brickashaw Ferguson, New York Jets: In parlance common among people commenting on the gargantuan size of another, the phrase "Yeah, he's built like a brick shithouse" is not uncommon. And here's a guy who is not only built like said durable outdoor commode, but whose given name actually includes "brick" in it. This would of course give him the credentials for having the coolest name in the NFL entirely were it not for the truth behind the origins of his name. It seems that D'Brickashaw is a take on the surname of Father Ralph de Bricassart, the Roman Catholic priest played by Richard Chamberlain in the television miniseries "The Thorn Birds."

6. Clevan "Tank" Williams, Minnesota Vikings:If your parents name you 'tank', they're either Wehrmacht war buffs or have Body Mass Indexes that are so off the charts, they figure their chip off the old block is more likely to look like the block itself. Tank is an exception to our rule of including actual given names since in his case, his little sister dubbed him tank as an infant. He thus effectively went through life with the name "Tank" rather than being given it while already a professional football player. Anybody who was known around the house as "Tank", even while stuffing crayons up their nose and screeching at Big Bird, probably couldn't have made many career choices other than football and certainly deserves a spot here.

5. John McCargo, Buffalo Bills: John McCargo: a name that sounds like a cross between a cut-rate company that will take care of all your industrial shipping needs and what the McDonald's menu would sound like if they were forced to be honest. While slightly easier on the ear than "John McLoad," this is another weight-themed family name that leads one to suspect that the person bearing it is unlikely to excel at synchronized swimming or trampolining.


4) Quentin T. Jammer, San Diego Chargers:: Quentin T. Jammer is either a cornerback for the San Diego Chargers, a core member of the comic-book superhero team "Max Gravity and his Galactic Spectaculars," or the villain in a future installment of the Matrix series. We're not quit sure which. Regardless, with a name that screams to be put on a comic book or turned into a new dance craze, Quentin T. Jammer definitely lucked out in the surname sweepstakes.





3) King Dunlap, Philly Eagles: Striking a blow for the everyman, Dunlap's parents eschewed heredity and decided that their youngster was just as kingly as anybody who gets the title the old-fashioned way. While we have no clue whether Dunlap's play on the field can be deemed majestic, he does seem to strike a "I just plundered this kingdom" regal pose when it's picture time (as shown in the photo to the right


2) Atari Bigby, Green Bay Packers: Before anyone gets too excited, Atari Bigby was not named after the 1970s video-game pioneer, so anyone thinking of naming their offspring Gamecube Calhoun as a tribute should reconsider. His grandmother named him "Atari" because of the word's Japanese meaning: attack. Coincidentally, we're guessing that's what Atari had to do every time someone jibed him as being named after the ancient video-game maker. "Bigby" is an added bonus, sounding as it does like the name of an octogenarian Rolls Royce chauffeur who taxis you to your country estate in Wales.


1) Melvin Bullitt, Indy Colts: Quite simply, regardless of how well or how horribly this guy plays, nobody can take away the fact that he has THE baddest name in the NFL. He could be his own blaxploitation 'let me pass, or they be takin' these mother-f*ckin' hush-puppies out yo ass', film star. And, yes, he is number one with a bullet.

Drunk News Anchor!

It is best, when watching the evening news, to have pre-recorded it. That way you can skip through the horrors of the day and sports (unless you need to collect on Super Bowl bets) and catch only the good stuff like lottery results, the weather and, if you’re lucky, a report on somebody who has just turned 100 but can still dance the cha-cha-cha. The evening news, when carefully edited in this manner, can be almost enjoyable to watch.

Of course, the role of the news anchor is essential to the proper enjoyment of a news broadcast. The entire effect of a news broadcast can be thrown off by a newscaster with a face that suggests he’s 60 and a dyed head of hair that suggests a tin of shoe polish applied liberally. A good set of teeth, as well as age appropriate hair and makeup (and in some cases eyewear or modest head accoutrements – earrings, hair accessories etc – in the case of a female broadcaster) are essential. A newscaster must also be able to maintain a steady, neutral tone, banter pleasantly with field reporters and tolerate the zany weatherman, as well as be able to cough and move briskly forward after having butchered the pronunciation of a foreign word.

What makes good TV news anchors such cool customers? How do they rattle off the news day after day with a straight face and lead people to the (mostly) false assumption that they are actually extremely knowledgeable about what they’re reporting? In some cases, the answer might be that they are not wearing pants, and the cooling effects of this pleases them. In some other cases, the answer is that journalists as a whole are notorious drinkers and they don’t get any more red-nosed than TV news anchors.

A Korean broadcaster recently took a page out of "The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death (and other true tales of drunken debauchery)", or so it would seem, when he went on air to provide sports commentary while soaring a little too close to the angels, drunk possibly on soju, or some comparable form of Korean white lightning. Unlike the Irishman we covered, who was suspended after heaping scorn upon his home country's team and wishing them ill in an upcoming World Cup competition, Lim Kyeong-jin, who should be considered if an international version of the Top 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians is ever compiled, took it upon himself to quit the broadcast after showing up red-faced following, of all things, a celebration to herald a recent win Korea enjoyed over Japan in handball.

Lim had slept following his handball par-tay with program staff, but a lingering drunk stayed with him and by the time the veteran sportscaster was on air he was slurring his words.

The report quotes the following tight-assed Internet commenter, who evidently reflects the popular sentiment: "I understand every human makes mistakes. However, drunk reporting is not acceptable, as broadcasting is for all people of the nation.''

New York Jets Fans: Keeping up with the Jets set

Considering all of the potential exposés that it could have chosen to break – like once and for all bringing those blasted all-nude RV and boat shows into the open – it seems strange that the New York Times would instead choose to shake the earth by revealing that men who attend NFL games like to get drunk and hoot at women. That same conclusion, no doubt drawn before the reporter strapped on his visor and went to work, could have been borne out with far less effort by just popping over to the house of any Sunday football loving Joe Lunchbox with a case of beer and a copy of Lusty Luanne’s Lunar Calendar 2007/2008 in tow.

A Times reporter did go to a New York Jets game a little over a week ago and when it came to half-time and most of the crowd had gathered on the pedestrian ramps of Giants Stadium’s Gate D, cruelly ignoring the lifetime achievement award or some-such being given to one “Curtis Martin”, he went to see what all the fuss was about. He found hundreds of men gathered on the ramps, whooping it up and looking not unlike rows of lifers out of a prison movie lustily welcoming the weak-looking thin guy who has just sauntered into their lives.

The Times reporter catalogued the jeering bunch’s requests that each passing woman oblige the crowd by giving them a gander at her Mardi Gras finest, which, to the hooting delight of the hordes, some did. One such obliging lassie managed to take the starch out of this “exposé” somewhat when she told the Times reporter, “I don’t care… I love my body and I like what I have, so let everybody share it.”

The President of the New Jersey Senate, Richard J. Codey, showing that he keeps in touch with the needs of his people, in that he reads the New York Times and circles anything apropos, was quick to promise action and heap condemnation on the unruly goings-on at Jets games, even throwing out a witticism that media outlets could repeat until their audiences vomited in unison: “It seems like for some Jet fans, that Gate D stands for drunk and disgusting.”

Well, according to this more recent column, the party over at “Gate Drunk and Disgusting” has quieted down of late, with more than 50 security guards in yellow jackets and 25 state troopers assigned there and no arrests made during the Jets last home game.

And while we would never condone the use of verbal pressure and liquor to convince a woman to bear her breasts outside of the state of Louisiana and/or a Girls Gone Wild video, we are saddened to think that these new security precautions may also mean the end of another Jets half-time tradition “Da Money”. In this far funnier ritual, those on the upper level of Gate D throw dollar bills down to ground level. Sooner or later someone passes by, spots the cash and goes to pick it up – but before the little money grubber can thank his stars for this unexpected good fortune, a shower of beer and garbage, as well as taunts and verbal abuse, reigns down on him from above. Now that is the kind of sport we could enjoy.